Seven Drunks and a Funeral
by Atopos
Summary: The only thing Hidan wants is to see what his funeral would be like, so Kakuzu decides to have a little fun. Warning: swearing.


Atopos - I don't own Hidan but I'm sure Kakuzu does. I don't even own this idea, my friends made me do this. So, this is dedicated to my two good friends who don't like reading most of my stuff. If your ever in the area, they're on DA... Enjoy this first though.

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**Seven Drunks and a Funeral**

There was one thing Hidan wanted to do for fun, and – no matter how nuts Kakuzu believed it was – they were both determined to do it for a lark. Kakuzu rarely got bored, especially with new bounties popping up far and wide, and so many people to torture, but Hidan stating that he wanted a fake funeral, just to see what it would be like to die, was too much to pass up.

So here they were. Kakuzu stood behind a makeshift podium, considered trim and proper by not wearing his Akatsuki cloak, with Hidan's body laying in a corpse-like pose next to him. In front of him sat other members of the group in different states: tired, bored, or eyeing up the alcoholic drinks at the bar Kakuzu felt the occasion needed.

Kakuzu had to admit, he was surprised that most of them turned up. Pein and Konan had taken one look at the scene, muttered something about 'friggin idiots', took a bottle whiskey, and went back to the hideout. Even Itachi was there, though it was only because they had moved the most comfortable chair outside just so he could sleep through the entire thing, yet it still surprised everyone Kakuzu that he stayed.

"Well let's start," Kakuzu muttered to himself, mulling over the notes he had prepared which were really various pictures in which stickman Hidan were dying in different ways. Looking out over the crowd, Kakuzu realized that none of them cared if this was real at all. Zetsu, Kisame, and Itachi in the back were very close to falling asleep, Deidara and Tobi were in the front, Tobi playing a childish, handheld game while Deidara sat still. "We're all here today because this moron," he gestured to the body of his partner, "wanted a funeral with all his friends. Since he doesn't have any, I called you guys to come."

No one was paying much attention to what was being said. Kisame shifted uncomfortably on the log he sat on. Tobi was moving his plastic game around, trying to get the tiny, metal balls into the tiny holes. Deidara – who previously claimed the toy was a good distraction for his partner – now wanted to be free of this obligation of being there for Hidan and to tackle the heavy liquor.

"So," Kakuzu said loudly to capture everyone's interest once again, "my partner shit-for-brains, also known as Hidan, has died somehow. I can safely say that it was from either getting hit one too many times in the head or drinking what was under the sink. I suppose there's nothing to really say. Anyone want to add something?"

"I got all the balls in the holes, sempai!" Tobi cheered happily, successfully scaring Deidara into an upright position before he drifted off to sleep.

"That pretty much sums everything up then." Kakuzu figured, "Now--"

"Psst!" Hidan interrupted desperately, "Don't be an ass! Do it right!"

Since the blond bomb master directly in front of him looked like he was in a daze from being rudely disturbed, Kakuzu decided to pick on him first. "Say something, Deidara," he pestered.

Deidara glared at him with tired eyes, "Bite me, un."

"I meant something about him," Kakuzu ordered. "And you have to stand up for it."

"Un," Deidara groaned as he stood uneasily on his feet. "Well, Hidan was fine in small doses. Other than that, he was a mean bastard, un. The first time I met him, he thought I was a girl and that was the moment I started to hate him, un." He looked down at his partner, "Say something fast, dumbass, then we can drink."

Tobi tucked his game into his pocket as he stood beside his mentor, "Hidan-san was a meanie. He never called Tobi his name and he always teased sempai."

Kakuzu waved the two away, fully believing that they would be more use to him when they weren't there.

Itachi was the next to stand up as he knew this would be the only way to escape such torture. "I'm leaving," the Uchiha stated, walking away stiffly.

Kisame was the next one to get up, "Hidan was alright, but he's definitely in a better place now… Or maybe the Akatsuki will be a better place without him…" He shrugged as if the two were the same thing, "We'll all be happier once we have a few drinks in us."

The only person left was Zetsu, who sat there quietly. Kakuzu stared at his old companion as if looking for a response, "Have anything to say?"

Zetsu nodded in the direction of the body, "Can I eat it?"

Kakuzu looked down at Hidan for a second, greatly considering saying yes to the half-plant man. After awhile, he shook his head, "You'll get sick if you eat so much garbage."

The two elder members of the organization walked towards the bar at their own pace. Zetsu mostly wanted to relax with the other members even though he was commonly viewed as a solitary being, and Kakuzu wanted to join in on the bet Kisame and Deidara had going on (they wanted to see who could drink the most sake).

When they all seemed to be having fun, Hidan got up off the ground, brushing the dirt from his cloak, "What a buncha bastards! Here I am, dead, and they go off to get fucking drunk! I should give those assholes a piece of my mind! Those fuckers!"

Tobi, who could still here Hidan's constant bickering not far from them and was still in a sober mind, turned to Zetsu. The old superior seemed to be the only one watching them incase one died from alcohol poisoning. Tobi pulled on Zetsu's sleeve hesitantly, waiting to be noticed.

"Zetsu-san," Tobi muttered softly, "why is Hidan-san yelling and swearing? Doesn't he know we're at a funeral?"

- Atopos


End file.
